PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

At age 4...success is...not peeing in your pants.

At age 10...success is...making your own meals.

At age 12...success is...having friends.

At age 16...success is...having a drivers license.

At age 20...success is...having sex.

At age 35...success is...having money.

At age 50...success is...having money.

At age 60...success is...having sex.

At age 70...success is...having a drivers license.

At age 75...success is...having friends.

At age 80...success is...making your own meals.

At age 85...success is...not peeing in your pants.

Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.

You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.

You write to your mother in MANILA every week, even though she sends you mail from BOHOL asking why you never write.

Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.

You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.

You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbour for setting fire to his lawn decorations.

Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.

People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.

Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.

Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.

You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.

You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion.

You collect dead flies.

Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"

You like cats. Especially with mayo.

You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.

Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him because "the napkins have ears."

You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.

You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.

You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.

People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

You despise the voices in your head, especially the one that speaks only HINDI.

You see migrating flocks of ducks and only your attachment to the toaster keeps you from joining them.

The person you always talk to is invisible to everyone but you.

You like reading lists like this. ..hehehehehehehe

One star hangover *

No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well.  However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.

Two star hangover **

Slight headache. Don't feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

Three star hangover ***

Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching your favorite show.  You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke - yet you haven't peed once.

Four star hangover ****

Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of a secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or 3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.

Five star hangover (aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell) *****

You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can't focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen Rancid vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it's toothpaste crust. You don't give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe....very gently.

OFFICE ARITHMETIC:
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

 
what do you think of my computations??? hahahahahaha

IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.
AT WORK........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK........You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
AT WORK........You have to share.

IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK.......They are called supervisors.

IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught.

NOW GET BACK TO WORK!

SO NOW YOU KNOW..hehehehehehe