Hangover Ratings

Does any of this sound somewhat familiar?

One star hangover *

No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well.  However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.

Two star hangover **

Slight headache. Don't feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

Three star hangover ***

Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching your favorite show.  You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke - yet you haven't peed once.

Four star hangover ****

Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of a secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or 3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.

Five star hangover (aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell) *****

You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can't focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen Rancid vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it's toothpaste crust. You don't give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe….very gently.

PENIS FACTS

THIS IS JUST TO LET YOU KNOW THAT….
 
Actual amount of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons

Blue balls, or the term a man uses when he says his balls will explode if he doesn't have sex, is totally false 

SO NOW YOU KNOW..hehehehehehe 

101 Things Not to Say During Sex

1. Is that smell coming from you?
2. You're so much like your sister….
3. Your mom's cute.
4. What's your name again?
5. Do i have to be here in the morning?
6. But everybody looks funny naked!
7. You woke me up for that?
8. Did I mention the video camera?
9. Do you smell something burning?
10. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
11. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
12. Can you please pass me the remote control?
13. Do you accept Visa?
14. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
15. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
16. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
17. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober…
18. Do you get any premium movie channels?
19. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
20. Got any penicillin?
21. But I just brushed my teeth…
22. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
23. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
24. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
25. I think you have it on backwards.
26. When is this supposed to feel good?
27. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
28. You're good enough to do this for a living!
29. Is that blood on the headboard?
30. Did I remember to take my pill?
31. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
32. I wish we got the Playboy channel…
33. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
34. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
35. No, really… I do this part better myself!
36. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
37. This would be more fun with a few more people..
38. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
39. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
40. You look younger than you feel.
41. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
42. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
43. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
44. Now I know why he/she dumped you…
45. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
46. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
47. What tampon?
48. Have you ever considered liposuction?
49. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
50. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
51. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
52. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
53. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
54. Is that a hanging sculpture?
55. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
56. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
57. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
58. Did you come yet, dear?
59. I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about…
60. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
61. Does this count as a date?
62. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
63. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
64. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like…
    Woman: Yourself?
65. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
66. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
67. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
68. Sorry but I don't do toes!
69. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
70. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
71. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
72. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
73. Is this a sin too?
74. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
75. Long kisses clog my sinuses…
76. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise…
77. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
78. You mean you're NOT my blind date?
79. Is it in?
80. That's it?
81. You've got to be kidding me.
82. (phone rings) hello? oh nothing and you?
83. Do i have to pay for this?
84. Do i have to call you tomorrow?
85. Oh momma, momma!
86. Oh dadda, dadda!
87. You look better in the dark. 11)i thought that goes in the other hole….
88. Don't tell my husband/wife.
89. You have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it).
90. This sucks.
91. Can you finish now? i have a meeting…
92. I hope you don't expect a raise for this…
93. I think you might get the job for this.
94. Damn! is that all you know what to do.
95. Did I tell you, i have herpes?
96. Hurry up, the games about to start.
97. zzzzzzzzzzzz.
98. Are you trying to be funny?
99. Can i have a ride home after this?
100. By the way, i want to break up.
101. Haven't you ever done this before?
102. Wow!! i've never seen those before (then grope wildly).
103. Do you know what some female spiders do after sex?
104. A second time? i barely stayed awake the first time!
105. You're about as good as a 9 year old, and i should know!!
106. Can we order a pizza?
107. I think my dad is listening at the door.
108. Smile for the camera, honey!!!
109. Take off that damn monkey glove!!
110. Get your hand out of there!!
111. I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
112. I knew you wore a padded bra!!
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